#21 Loving lessons from a Caregiver

I learned that complete strangers can have more patience because this isn't their relative or loved one and they haven't had months or years of coping with troubling behaviors. Caregivers are often at their wits end.
In Living on the Verge of Insanity, my recently released memoir, I describe the day care centers and nursing home staff and how they knew how to talk to Alan and keep him engaged all day until my return. I was amazed at their kindness and followed their lead in many situations. Seeing him through their eyes as a sweet, loving man helped me continue on with my efforts in a loving, open hearted way.

3 Event Choices - schedules, addresses, details

#1 Upper Westchester friends:
Come to my book signing on April 18th from 2 - 6 p.m. Refreshments and movie included.
Bean Runner Café 201 S Division St., Peekskill, NY 10566 (914) 737-1701
Movie and popcorn @ 2 p.m. Andrew Jenks, Room 335. (requesting $5 donation to film maker) A 19 year old moves into an assisted living home for the summer and finds wisdom, humor and love among his fellow residents.
3:30 - 6 p.m. Christine Sotmary's book signing. Living on the Verge of Insanity: loving lessons learned from my sweetie's early-onset Alzheimer's. Share in the celebration of my life, completing the old and launching the new!

#2 New York City friends:
Come to my book signing on April 25th from 2 - 5 p.m. Refreshments and movie included.
Dylan Prime Restaurant at 62 Laight Street (just south of Canal Street)
Movie and popcorn @ 2 p.m. Andrew Jenks, Room 335. (requesting $5 donation to film maker) A 19 year old moves into an assisted living home for the summer and finds wisdom, humor and love among his fellow residents.
3:30 - 5 p.m. Christine Sotmary's book signing. Living on the Verge of Insanity: loving lessons learned from my sweetie's early-onset Alzheimer's. Share in the celebration of my life, completing the old and launching the new!

#3 Can't make either:
Listen to my interview about my book and caregiving on blogtalk radio with Paul Morris.

#20 Loving lessons from a Caregiver

I learned that letting go of the role of caregiver was more difficult than taking it on. Even new habits are hard to break.
There often isn't so much as a hint of how life will be "after", so no wonder the familiar feels like a safer choice. However, there comes that time...........
I explore my journey through the withdrawal process from my Caregiving for Alan in my memoir Living on the Verge of Insanity. Interesting times these......

#19 Loving lessons from a Caregiver

I learned that caregivers are asked to perform many roles, social worker, social director, home health aide, protector, translator, partner in love. Based on our individual unique strengths some tasks come easier than others.

#18 Loving lessons from a Caregiver

I learned that not knowing things is a scary but often a more truthful place. It requires lots of practice to stay there. Not knowing the future, not knowing what caused the disease, not even having a diagnosis can drive a caregiver insane. Just staying with the unknown is sometimes the way to handle the mysteries that are unfolding.
A reminder to the friends of caregivers........assuming that we know more than we actually ever can may end up being hurtful to others. Curiosity and humility are great qualities to tap into when approaching caregivers and their loved ones.

#17 Loving lessons from a Caregiver

I learned that caregiving is a powerful platform to examine long held beliefs and a perfect motivator to find beliefs that hold up even in difficult times.
And because this appears to be true, there are many lessons we can learn from our caregivers. They might not even realize the gems that they are holding in their hearts.
We all expect to learn lessons from mountain climbers, soldiers returning from areas of conflict, sports' heroes, folks on their death beds even the Olsen twins!
I betcha' when we start listening to our caregivers there will be much to explore.

#16 Loving lessons from a Caregiver

I learned why the airlines recommend that you put your oxygen mask on before you put your child's mask on. Self care is of paramount importance to be able to give generously over the long haul that is usually required. Caregiver burnout doesn't help anyone.
I describe the fact that I was lucky as an athlete to realize this early in caring for Alan. I needed sleep, exercise, music, nature and good nutrition.
What surprised me, as I describe in my memoir Living on the Verge of Insanity, was that my self care fell off completely when he finally was placed in a nursing home. I have now read studies that show that I was not alone and that often the emotions of depression and sadness along with the frustrations of watching an institution care for your loved one surface once they go to a home.

#15 Loving lessons from a Caregiver

I learned that humor can save the day. Humor between the two of you or just finding humor alone in the absurdities.
Funny movies, laughing with friends and in my case laughing with my African Grey Charlie Parker, who has the exact same laugh as me (surprise, surprise) can lighten the heaviness and echo out to others who need a lift.

#14 Loving lessons from a Caregiver

I learned that we are seemingly hard wired for guilt and despair and that there are many ways to fight the pull and stay confident and happy. It was always a struggle. One day at a time is a good philosophy.
The chapter 1,000 acts of kindness in my memoir Living on the Verge of Insanity describes many of the ways I was able to convert impatience and anger to kindness. It also tells of how I kept guilt away as much as possible by knowing how much love was at the core of my caregiving efforts.

#13 Loving lessons from a Caregiver

I learned that sometimes it takes medication or professional services to solve problems. Some issues were beyond my scope.
This is a good lesson for those of us in the healing professions. In acupuncture school the teachers recommended that we NOT treat our relatives. It's a hard lesson because it requires much trust to turn your loved one over to others and assume that they will receive quality care. Yes, and sometimes the care isn't perfect or even near adequate but that only means we need to keep looking for a better situation. Taking the responsibility back isn't the answer when the issues get very technical, such as types and amount of medications.

#12 Loving lessons from a Caregiver

I learned that sometimes looking past the obvious was needed. I learned to look at what was being communicated beyond the actual literal meaning of Alan's words or actions and what would satisfy the situation for what it really was.
Often Alan would call to find me in other parts of the house or when I was out in the garden. In Living on the Verge of Insanity I describe how I realized he was partly defining his existence through my presence. When I realized he didn't literally need ME but was really looking for himself in my presence I could relax because nothing more was required of me. I would answer his call over and over and he found his comfort.