I learned that I am not afraid of dying but very afraid of not living.
The editor for my memoir Living on the Verge of Insanity had several questions to clarify as she was reading my book for the first time. One of them was "I sense that you seem to have a fear of dying and use the word urgency a lot in your descriptions. Is this what you are really feeling having taken care of Alan for 8 years. Is this a natural thing to feel as a result of watching his ongoing progression with Alzheimer's disease?"
I really had to pause and think. I have never been afraid of dying. I have never much been interested in living longer for its own sake.
Rather, I have been concerned with the quality of my life, finding meaning and purpose in my life and building loving relationships with those all around me. It's more a daily focus that will end when it does. Being able to live deeply, richly and intensely seems to be what the urgency that she sensed comes from.
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